Didn’t sleep last night, was tired, just couldn’t drop off. Can’t decide if I am worrying about book sales or what it means to be married to someone who has retired! I’m good at getting anxious, have perfected it over the years but this last few months has been underlying stressful. So now I need to take a breath, and then take another.
We’re off to the sea for a few days. The flat looks down onto the waves. I love that. It’s got to be either the sea or trees. The noise of branches in the wind was my white noise when I was 16 and 17. Such troubled times. I didn’t enjoy being a teenager, was quite miserable and bewildered a lot of the time, but hearing a tree buffeted by the wind as I settle to sleep, even on a wild night, brings my heart rate down and enables me to let go of the day. And that’s probably why I don’t always sleep so well, because letting go of the day means its over, done with and I don’t always feel I’ve used it well. I’m sure I’m not the only one.
So I’m going to set myself a new goal, to try to use some part of the day well rather than all of it, and to dwell on that as I fall asleep. That not every second was fulfilling, but that perhaps a few moments, even an hour or two were worthwhile or filled with rich words. That’ll do for now.
